This is the formula my friends and I came up with. What does it quantify, you may ask? Well, I’ll tell you! Nobody likes having to bathe a pet cat, but wouldn’t it be so much easier if you knew just how much danger you were going to be in when you have to do it? Math, as usual, has come to the rescue! Ok, fine. Math, and the mad, brilliant minds of my twisted friends. Let’s work out the parameters:
The Exponential Dangers of Bathing a Catn = How filthy the cat is, on a scale of 1-10… 10 being dipped-in-shit filthy. x = The time, in seconds, it takes to wash the cat. a = The amount of water and soap used (ml).
b = The number of healthy claws and teeth (individually counted)
c = The weight of the cat in pounds
y (your answer) = The danger level.
Now… the danger level is on a basic sliding scale, set similar to that of the scoville unit scale, a unit of measure used to rate the hotness of peppers. Our scale is thus:Less than 999 = No Harmful Effects.
Thousands to millions = Minor Scratches and Bruises.
Millions to billions = Major Scratches, Resulting in Stitches.
Billions to trillions = Major Scratches, Resulting in Numerous Stitches, Weeks of Rehab and a Concussion.
Trillions to quadrillions = Severe, Life Threatening Injury.
Into the quadrillions and above = Instant Death.
Now, let’s use my cat, McLovin, as a practical example. After adding in the factors needed about him (he’s 22lbs, has a full set of teeth and claws (numeric value of fifty), approx. cleaning time of 600sec/10 min, dirty level of 8… etc.) we were able to break his equation down to y (danger level) = 1.105X10¹¹, or one trillion, one hundred and five billion, nine hundred and twenty million, putting bathing him in his current mud-puddle state, according to our scovillesque chart, at “Severe, Life Threatening Injury”. Here’s a handy graph:
Which, my friends, explains why Jay gets to bathe the cat.
I heart you, Math.
**Please let it be known that I did not create this alone. Much credit goes to my buddy from high school, who is far more versed in logarithms than I, and who provided me with the equation when I gave him the parameters. For this, we love him.**