It’s been a bumpy summer. Or rather, we’d hoped it would have been a bumpy summer, in that I might have started to have a baby bump by now. Sadly, such is not the case. The hubby and I don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like, given my crazy schedule and traveling, but we are still trying to remain hopeful. Those of you who have been following along know that we began trying to conceive in late spring. I’ve only had two chances to get it right since then, as most of the summer ended up being one ridiculously long anovulatory cycle. This horrid cycle ended at the end of August, and we thought maybe we’d get back on track. Sadly, we weren’t able to get our timing right, and while I’m happy that we actually got to ovulate (yay, second time in six months!), I am still going to have to wait to try again. There’s no telling if I’ll actually ovulate in any given cycle, but since we’re only on day two of the new round, it’s easier to remain hopeful.
With my own fertility issues, coupled with the amount of stress and traveling required it will be a foregone miracle when we do get pregnant. At least the practicing is fun. 😉
At the start of each cycle, I go through the same routine. My body craves salty sweet snacks (like salted caramel corn, though I usually try for a healthier option, such as roasted chickpeas with a light honey glaze) while my abdomen goes through the motions of the severe cramping that those of us with endometriosis get to enjoy. (Woo.) My brain fights a battle for the first day or two, being both overwhelmed by the fact that I’ve failed to get pregnant again and being hopeful that I’ll have another chance this cycle. By day two, the depression usually passes. If not, we slide some ice cream under that salty sweet snack and forgo the attempts to eat healthy for an afternoon. :p
At some point, I always end up daydreaming about being pregnant. I start reading articles on breastfeeding, raising toddlers and different positions for giving birth. I look up personal stories and laugh with other women about the humorous lessons they’ve learned along their own path to motherhood. I dream up nursery songs, research for children’s books and keep abreast (ooh, an infant pun!) of what’s new in the world of kid media, making a note if I come across something I don’t think I’ll want my child to watch or play with. But no matter how much I may try to learn, I always end up window shopping online eventually.
I window shop for shoes with lower heels, leggings and adorable tunics. I look up sewing patterns and tutorials on how to turn his old dress shirts into adorable baby bump friendly dresses. I look at more shoes. (Yeah. I have a bit of a problem there. Can’t get enough shoes.) I coo over onesies and infant Halloween costumes. I pour myself into inspiration boards for baby nurseries. I look at shoes with a mid-height heel. (How bad can it be, really? I will still be able to rock a 2-3 inch heel for the first half of my pregnancy, right?) I find my favorite maternity shops, and make note of adorable dresses I won’t want to live without. I seriously debate on buying one, knowing that it will probably not be available by the time I actually get pregnant. I add things to Pinterest boards, Kaboodle and bookmark bars. I head over to Irregular Choice to look at shoes I know I’ll never be able to wear once I’m pregnant. Seriously, how much will my feet really grow, anyway? I just have to drool over those Park Lane beauties. In teal. Or possibly lavender. I cringe a bit at the prices, knowing in my heart of hearts that if I can’t afford to splurge on shoes like those before Baby, there’s NO WAY I’ll ever allow myself to purchase something so frivolous after I get pregnant. A small voice pipes up and says that this is exactly why I should get a pair NOW, before I can’t justify the purchase. The larger, louder voice of reason always wins, and I never get the gumption to purchase a pair. (Ok, fine. She’s not really a voice of reason. She’s the voice of Lutheran-Raised-Guilt that is responsible for my inability to lie on the couch and watch a movie without feeling like I don’t deserve a 2 hour break from life.)
Somehow, in the end, it always comes back to me looking at shoes. I don’t think it’s a mark of vanity or greed on my part, but rather the traditional closer for most internet searches in my life. I guess old habits die hard.